Love, Sex and Comedy

"You are too handsome/cute to be single" A statement I have come to hate for the longest time possible. I was into this lady two months ago & I one day I decided to shoot my shot. My nerves were all on adrenaline until she told me "You are too cute to be single"... Everything I had for her just got chased away by those words. Being handsome or beautiful is not your own doing but the Almigjty's work. If we had a say in it, probably I'ld be different. "You are cute" words i've heard more than a dozen times, that they lack to make sense anymore. I get I've received from different ladies all along but you people have over used them too much. Probably why I have come to hate pictures offlate. "First impression matters" whoever said so must have met a handsome/beautiful person to say so. Just like "The customer is always right" must be a customer who said so. The same ladies who tell us so, are the same ladies who bas...

 Sitted on my favourite seat in this PSV, on my way to the city. It's 8:36pm & its that part of the month for the clouds & i have no warm clothing on me. I'm  sitted next to this couple who are cuddling. The guy keeps on grabbing the girl's ass every now and then. Its early 2000 love songs on the playlist. At this very moment it's "Touch my body" by Mariah Carey on the deck. I am no jealous guy but will this people stop this. If love is a disease, I got vaccinated way back & if it's a poison concotion, I drank the antidote in the morning. I have been single for the longest time ever for the first time. Not that I am not beautiful, in my own eyes, I am 50% beautiful, but my mirror thinks otherwise & I have to add decorations, make up, on my face to increase the percentage, talk of low self esteem. I might be ugly to some of you men but to every beer holder in the club, I am gorgeous. They see a whole buffet in this single rib, flat ass ...

Dear Lord, I have like a so many questions right now running down my mind. Did I com to suffer in this world? Am I th source of jokes for you? Some of the very many questions.  We all have that one ex we always thought would comeback. I wonder how many times I have been a frog in all my relations? Questions we all run away from cause probably we know the truth. She was one lady that was the hardest to date but the best to love, Joyce. In all liqour, there stands a fine wine. She was all the best grapes picked from the best trees.  Love where it was not supposed to happen, happened. If you've been with me since day one you must know Jane. If you haven't, Jane is my friend who wanted to commit suicide aftershe gave birth & was left by the baby daddy. Me & Jane, have an unspoken understanding. I can't hit on her & she can never fall for me. Talk of deep friendzone. Joyce was not supposed to be so. I was ready to share my care with two ladies beside me. Joyce...

It was months since I last stepped in this house. It was all quite & lit with candles. I staggered my way on the aisle as i supported myself on the seats. Everyone I passed along my path changed her vision towards me. It got to my attention that there was no man in the whole building. This confirms the theory,, men build houses, women make them. I got to the front & everyone had their eyes on me. Hey hey, don't leave God hanging, continue praying... you think you are the only ones who hate to be left hanging? hic!! I left them all amazed at me as I made my way to the booth. This space is really small. Trust me, if you are fat, not chubby nor thick, i said if you are fat, let the priest come to you, dont go to him. KNOCK!! KNOCK!! Is anyone home, sorry I mean, is anyone in here? hic!! HELLLOOOO!! Shhhhh... keep it down. You are in a Holy place, so keep your voice down please. Sorry. How can I help you? Father forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been mont...

What an awkward situation to be met. No where to run no where to hide. You cant even deny. Caught Red handed. she just came, the mum to be specific. I would have just said "it's not what you think" but what excuse was I to give. What ale you doing? "Mum, I thought you were not coming back anytime soon," as she covered herself. How dare you do this, IN MY HOUSE, dont you have respect? I'm sorry mum, I am really sorry. Sorry for what, eeh!! sorry for what? Before I could even move, a huge hand landed on my face that left me discombobulated & surprised. I was in a moment of pain & anger. How dare you too? I mean, how holy are you? Questions revolved my mind. She had done the unexpected. Well, I knew I had not done right but so did she. Hilda had located herself at the corner of the bed covering herself with bed sheets which were now cold. The slap her mum gave me had left her speechless. Anger rose my mind as rage made my heart beat escalat...

She had this thing that was in her that made her look beautiful. Hilda was not the thick curvy every man's dream lady, yet she was all I wanted. Hilda was never blessed with ass or boobs, yet she was perfect. When you love someone with a small ass you spice it up like its the biggest ass you ever seen. You never make a lady feel down for her physical appearance. She never asked to be this way, she found herself that way. I took her by her waist, kissing her all over as she took my shirt off, all the way to her bedroom. How did you know the exact room? Every house has the parents bedroom at the end of the corridor and the kids' room next to their's. So I figured out, the next room is your mum's and this one is yours. Hehe... Clever guy, how many bedrooms have you been before? (sexy voice) It's just the human way, we all do the same way. That's not what I meant? Ooh!! You want to know my body count, sneaky girl. Why don't we finish what we came to d...

Thanks to Hilda, my balls were free. The whole thing changed due to one person. I was no longer a commoner, but a first time visiter. My usual ways were not to hapoen tonight. I had to act surprised being here. Hilda my daughter, I'm coming dear. What shall we do, I thought you are all alone. I want you to lemain silent, if you dare say anything to her I will kill you. My silence was paid for. Even without the threats I couldn't say anything. Furthermore where was I to begin. "Hey Hilda, I'm blah blah... I've known your mother for sometime now & I have been sleeping with her". Somethings are better left unsaid. At this time, all that was going through my mind was why did I agree to come here. I had already convinced myself I was not to end up here tonight. Hilda, is not your ordinarly kind of girl. With such a mother, there was no way she was to go to any varsity. To be precise, she attended school in South Africa. She was doing her masters there ...

I was enjoying the fruits but I hated the work I had to put in for it. A man got to do what a man got to do. I was ever curious whether my parents ever suspected anything considering I stopped calling them more often than usual. It's Saturday 7:37pm & we are done with dinner with my so called woman. Can we leave, I got some school work to complete before Monday morning? Why are you so much in a hully & you still got tomollow? Most of the times when she spoke I almost burst out laughing but thus was where I was "investing" so my emotions had to be held back. I'm not in a hurry, I just want to be done before tomorrow night. But I wanted you to sleepover at my house. But I told you I got work to do. I know, but you can leave tomorrow morning & still make it. After some few exchange of words I gave in. I agreed to be chips fungwad by a woman my grandmother's age. To be sincere, it was not the assignment that I wanted to do, but I just wante...

With time, I have come to confide with myself the serenity of life. Call it an oasis in a stormy desert. Our hurry to achieve our goals is the storm, and life is the oasis. We are so much in a hurry to get there, and most of us will step on others to get there. We really don't care about the consequences of our actions. If any opportunity would arise now, with no hesitation, I would grab it. In opportunities, need be does not get involved. For instance, the lady... well, more so woman... has me by my balls. Having a good nature has its own consequences in life. Sometimes you need to be an asshole & fuck some shit up. I'm on my way to my morning lecture & this lady stops me. Let me create an image for you, first thing that I could tell about her was that she was from Central. People from Central just advertise themselves, even by the dresscode. When she opened her mouth, the accent confirmed it. You remember the " momo " song some years back? She was less o...

Let me take you back to memory lane. Back to the time when school looked awesome before I joined. This was the time spending at home was too much. Let me take you back to the years when I first started school. This was the time when my nursery school teacher said I was growing gray hair on my head. Was I not angry that time? I swear that's the oldest anger I remember. Aidos must have visited me that time. A time when I first broke my leg. I was a jovial kid, like I fed on sugar every meal. This led to my falling & broke my leg. To this day I still have that x-ray pic at my mother's house. Back to when in class one, I was the shortes guy yet the second fastest in our class. Damn I was swift. Age comes with laziness & I wonder what happened. Or maybe I became fat (hehe). A time when my mother would cane me every single day of my school life. I remember once when my mother chased me out. Her exact words were, "Get out and never come back to this house. I never want...

I got your letter the other day. Well, if we met already, then we've crossed paths and probably blind to see you, or maybe woke up a minute late and we didn't board the same bus when our paths were mean't to cross. Your idea of me being a hero probably is wrong. I could be out there doing all heroic staffs but I'm kinda waiting to save yours. You could call me lame at this stage of life I am but I believe the future holds infinite opportunities for me to make it. I am not yet married cause I dont want to give my love to someone else before you. I pile my feelings everyday in a box so I never get to lose them before I show you. Virgos are natural born patient & understanding people, but some times we go out of our way & try something heart thrilling. We are always curious of what would happen if we did something different from our norm. So your freaky/wild side is something I would like to see how far it can go. I don't need to ask what you are bringing t...

When tigers used to smoke, life was fun. I could look up to tomorrow morning, today afternoon. And days were fast when I needed them to be slow, but love can really blind you in time to. Well, its been ages since and life is a little different. Metamorphosis happened and no longer the young bright love but old smelly one. You see, I am not ready to go down this path anymore. Separation was never part of the couple goals we had set out to achieve. Attributes to this vicissitude falls on both me and her. Where did the love go, the tender touches, the slow kissing, the warm hugs and the cute words? Where did this disappear to? For love to grow, sacrifices have to be made. I totally understand this to the fullest, but the sacrifices have to be understood. The wrangles we’ve been having of late increase as days go. Were we not in agreement from day one that no matter what we are in this together? I never knew together lasted that short. I am not ready to disaffiliate from this conne...

"You will lose, I promise you" a statement that has haunted me for years. She said it to me so vividly. I vowed myself to never believe it. I believed in standing strong, everything going my way. I have done it for years now. Until it finally hit me. Standing before me was a distant so big that I felt storms, deserts, hurricanes and all sorts of natural calamities yet she stood two steps away from me. Never has closeness felt so far. Picture it this way, in time, 11 is always next to 12, but for it to move from 11:00 am to 12:00 am, it takes 13hrs. I have always associated myself with failure. Loss has been like a shadow to me. Stack with me in my most part of life. Gotye said in his song “You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness” and he wasn’t wrong at all. The biggest mistake I ever did was inhale it but I never exhaled. I have lost chances in so many things and taken it to be part of my life. Success comes as a surprise since I never expect it. In a competit...

I’m supposed to miss someone I have had an encounter with but to some extent I feel like I miss you. I was never given the chance even to lay my eyes leave alone to touch my gene. Maybe if I got a chance, even a glance, I guess maybe half of my problems will recede from my mind. I wanted you so much. For the fantasies that took a place in my mind were vast. I’m not the father of the year and want no reward if I ever be. All I want is to be a father to my daughter. Me and your mum might have so many differences but that did not mean I did not love her. She was the only lady that ever understood me, and I wasn’t ready to loose that. The altercation was too much for the both of us. So I have been named a deadbeat father but I was forced deadbeat. I was willing to pay every coin that was expected of me. Your mum found it better my cash wasn’t worth to raise her daughter. Yes I loved a feminist. It was her boldness that attracted me to her. Some of us men want to have ladies that go for...