Love, Sex and Comedy

DISCLAIMER;  Today's background playlist is "Blaiz Fayah ft Tribal Kush - Bad" My appearance was so taxing to my friends; I had not seen them for some weeks now. Derrick was buzzing my phone after every minute, but I had the exact clue what he wanted. Traffic was hectic, the uncontrollable can be depressing, considering it’s a Friday night. I kept looking outside the car window like a conductor. “piiiiii” “piiiiii” “piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” Me; “will these idiots just move for heaven’s sake” I kept bashing my car door. Ring ring ring… Me; “Derrick iza man” Derrick ; “Shawn, aki ya nani wewe ni nugu. Uko wapi? Me; ndo nmetoka Thika Road, nko hapa bypass nakam” Derrick; harakisha bac. Nko na mali safi nmekuekea. That was enough motivation to have me on my nerves about this traffic. The bachelor in me was dying to see this “mali safi”. I had all sorts of imaginations of what I was going to meet. The reason for our meet up was to celebrate my ...

  DISCLAIMER; Today's background playlist is " Sara Lugo ft Protoje - Really Like You " To my next love, hey my name is Shawn. It scares me by the fact that I don’t know whether I have met you or not. If I have, you already know a thing or two about me. I don’t have much experience when it comes to relationship, but I will want to risk it with you. I have fallen over and over yet somehow I get back into love even when I say I’m not doing it again. I don’t know the feeling of leaving someone for all my past loves have left me. I sit back every time after a relationship ends to evaluate my mistakes. I have blamed myself for all of them even when my heart feels some were not my faults. Overtime I have come to accept that I have flaws I need to work on, but I am an expert in receiving heartbreaks, yet I give everyone who hurts me a million chances to correct themselves. I have forgiven people who were never even sorry for things they have done. I am an ambivert but more o...

  DISCLAIMER!! Before you start to read, i would request you to add "Lutah Fyah - Tangled Up" to your playlist & play it in the back ground as you read. Her; In the flesh… George was now taking snaps of Veronica pretending he was scrolling his phone. I have lived with this idiot for three years, I can tell when he is about to fart. This will be a long discussion in the house between me and George. She rendered me silent for a second and for that short moment it turned out to be awkward. I didn’t know what to say to her. I had so much in my mind that I wanted to know but I did not know what to ask. She gave that shy smile. That one smile where a lady knows she dressed to create attention, keep men heads turning and ladies jealous; that smile that rubs her ego for rendering you silent. I am 100% sure this sitting positions were all planned by Steve. I turned to her friend to ease the tension around the table. I respect the different variances of melanin popping but there is...

  Dude fourth wedding this year and still you are single, are you gay? Will you hurry up or we are going to be late. Stop dodging the question and answer me. Furthermore when have you ever been early to anything; you have more warning letters than the number of jobs you’ve worked for? So it’s like that now? You started it . Wait, you are also single what makes you an exemption from this question. Aaaah!! One, I’m younger than you, and two I have had more relationships more than you’ve had, three, I have a crush and you don’t. For heaven’s sake you have more lady friends more than I do. What I don’t even understand is that ladies fall in love with you on first sight yet you are a short guy; tell me what the science behind that is. Dude I’m a stripper pole taller than you but still every lady I go after at the parties is always asking about you. I’ll answer that when we get back.   It was my first invited only wedding. So the tension was looming all over me. Wh...

I cannot help myself from staring at this African. The smile just gives me goosebumps; his humbleness is the icing on the cake. Forgive me my central land people but if a lady gets snatched by the lake people just let her go. In the modern society, to find a real man is a pearl amidst this walking sharks that just want to eat me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I need love but all the time I need money. But then again man proposes, God disposes Maybe this eagerness to find myself a man in this ungrateful depressed and broke life of mine has been steered by the way I see my older brother treating his wife. I mean in another life, if we were not related I would still be in your life as a wife. Again don’t get me long, I’m not lusting after my brother but real recognizes real. I have a fair share of my uncles mistreating their wives and I wish no one in that in their lives. My mom keeps on saying they are family, but in my case we are just related but they are not my family. I have the ...

Maureen, my favourite waitress currently. Before you get your hopes high, hear me out first, it may not go as you are thinking. I'm all about good vibes, good things. I love unique restaurants & i call them mine. I used to have one in Nairobi, Barbers, untill i visited it the other day & figured out it was closed. For all the ladies & friends I took there, none of them gave a negative review about it. From the food, background music to the hidden location. Maureen works in one of my new fav local restaurant at my home town. Visited it two weeks ago on a Sunday evening just to treat my bro & friend. Turns out I have been underestimating it. The respect I have for her is so high. Unlike those city restaurants where waitresses have to dress like  decadent twilight lasses,  you know what, we'll be back to this later. I believe in good service, & I believe I mostly offer that in any contract I get into. Probably that's why my former mini-boss calls me now ...

I am 90% convinced that my guardian angel is a hoeing somewhere out there. The amount of bad lucks and regrets I have been having are way too much. The 10%, I blame the year 2020 like a typical human.  I am not convinced “it is what it is”. Being the son of a man who was strict to the core, I ought to be so till now, but Jesus was also rebellious to the Pharisees rules. I’m not saying I am holier than thou, but I couldn’t follow every rule like a hound. Few times were when I would come home late and chances of me being locked out were overboard. For any white person reading this, in an African homestead, its either you or the darkness that comes home early in the evening. If the darkness comes before you, well… I don’t think I have to explain what might happen to you. As a kid luck was never on my side to the point I got used to it. My memory serves me right, once when I came home early. Emphasis on early, but my clothes looked as if they were dipped in an ocean of mud and dirt. “n...

J has been named weird, probably for being old school, i still love letters, probably why i still love reading good romance books, unlike the usual modern man, society has made a man as unbreakable, rigid to any problem, but if you cant understand me, for being emotional in a movie scene, i think you are the one wrong for me, i have a soft heart, probably why i dont leave people, they leave me, gaining the courage to leave someone, has to take alot of guts, i have not had the best luck in love, luck has only been on my said if its pain to my heart, probably why also my heart has been broken, so many times, yet i tend to pick every piece & mend it again, still throw myself out there again, hoping one day i will find the one, who will hug me tight enough, to stick its pieces together, i am chivalry, so not yet dead, i envy old traits, the likes of opening the door for you, pulling the chair on a date night, i was raised in giving my girl the best...

SHOTS!! SHOTS!! SHOTS!! The house screamed at me. For a person who hates attention, attention was getting fond of me. Up in and bang!! And like that, the seventh quarter glass was empty. These fucking Russians make strong drinks. I was winning at taking shots but losing at this poker game. “Babe, you should now stop this” warned my girl. “Why, I am… hic! I am not drunk” like a rich guy trying to convince his mates he is not rich I objected to Linah. Yes, I am now dating Linah. How did that happen? Well she is beautiful, that’s a fact, the first thing I noticed about her was her rack, and she is what uneducated Kenyan man from the suburbs of Mwiki and Ruiru would call “slay queen” just coz she is light skinned. What is wrong with the Kenyan boy child, lack of education & we bash out the educated, but I don’t think y’all are ready for that conversation. Okay, we are getting of topic now. I took more, I don’t know how many, shots before I passed out on the couch. Did I win a game...