Felicity
I have always associated myself with failure. Loss has been like a
shadow to me. Stack with me in my most part of life. Gotye said in his song “You
can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness” and he wasn’t wrong at all. The biggest
mistake I ever did was inhale it but I never exhaled. I have lost chances in so
many things and taken it to be part of my life. Success comes as a surprise
since I never expect it. In a competition, it is heart comforting when the opponents
win instead of me. Given the chance, I wouldn't mind to disappear. Not the magician way, but the moving to a distant place with no trace or knowledge of anyone. live in a far place where nobody has an idea of who I am. Why, cause I never want anyone else to taste what it is to
be comfortable in failure. When the panda said to Shifu, “I stayed because every
time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled it hurt, but it could never
hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me” that felt so real. He
hated tasted failure for some time.
I have always associated death with old age. When one gets old, I don’t
find it a surprise of their demise. I lost people in my life and it really didn’t
affect me as death is supposed to do. I lost my youngest brother when I was 5. I
barely knew what death was at that age so that has an exception. The tears on
my mother’s eyes are still framed on my mind. How I still remembered that I don’t
know. Later on, my good friend died due to organ failure. Still I was young to
understand death. Some few years ago, I lost my dad but still I wasn’t affected
emotionally. It never interfered with daily routine or life.
My dad’s death was supposed maybe to be an eye opener to how life is
delicate. Somehow, I found death to be just normal, that I should expect it. It’s
no different with birth. One goes and one comes. Life is a cycle. The demise of
a childhood friend was a shock but not surprised. We were not that close that
we kept tabs on each other but still I considered him as a friend. We grew up
together. I still relate death with old age, so for a soul a year older than me
leaving this life, is a shock but death is just a norm so no surprise.
Now loose a close friend, a classmate. This is what it took me to open
my eyes. Her demise was on a Friday but I got the news on a Monday. It was
through text so at first I thought it was a typo until it is clarified to me it
was her. Now that was a shock and a surprise. One day you are talking the next
minute there is no answer. She even got the guts to trust me with her things.
Why this took me by surprise was the fact that it was a person I know,
a classmate and a close friend. She worked at Naivasha but every time she came to
the city, she would inform me days earlier to her arrival and we would meet up.
I always made sure she was up to date with school work. Her death got me
thinking of the things I have done in life. Have I really accomplished what I want?
Isn’t it scary knowing that anytime could be the last time you talk to someone?
With time, I have learned to value everything and everyone in my life. I guess
death is not associated with old age anymore. No more playing safe just to
survive. I want to take risks, jump out of an airplane sky diving, jump of a
cliff or bridge bungee jumping, climb a mountain, drive on a long road trip, deep
sea diving, build a dream house with that big kitchen, go on so many dates, tell
her I have feelings for her, love and kiss a girl, just wild out. Anything that
will make me feel that I’m living and not surviving.
Before I lay on my death bed, “I made so many mistakes, but I lived the
best life” will be some of the words I will have said. Just as Atticus says “I want
to arrive at my death late, in love and a little drunk.”
It wouldn't hurt to share...
It's deep, emotional,nice,etc...
ReplyDeletethank you miss,,
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