Vaccinated Heart

 Sitted on my favourite seat in this PSV, on my way to the city. It's 8:36pm & its that part of the month for the clouds & i have no warm clothing on me. I'm  sitted next to this couple who are cuddling. The guy keeps on grabbing the girl's ass every now and then. Its early 2000 love songs on the playlist. At this very moment it's "Touch my body" by Mariah Carey on the deck. I am no jealous guy but will this people stop this. If love is a disease, I got vaccinated way back & if it's a poison concotion, I drank the antidote in the morning.
I have been single for the longest time ever for the first time. Not that I am not beautiful, in my own eyes, I am 50% beautiful, but my mirror thinks otherwise & I have to add decorations, make up, on my face to increase the percentage, talk of low self esteem. I might be ugly to some of you men but to every beer holder in the club, I am gorgeous. They see a whole buffet in this single rib, flat ass skinny body of mine. Middle finger in the air to you men not in the club with me.
I have given up on love, probably why I am jealous of this couple. Let me explain why. I am no cinderella & probably will never be one. I wont sugarcoat anything & try to convince you that it was always my partner's problem in all my relationships. I was probably the frog to most of those princes, well... lets just say all of them. "We need to talk", a phrase I have heard more than the number of times I have seen handsome men to marry me. I have always believed when one a person decides to break up with you, they have already made their decision, probably why I never asked a second chance from any of those men. I have been blamed for giving up on relationships so fast for not asking for those second chances, but I can never force someone to love me, NO WAY, that I will not call it ego or whatever but I wont beg for love.
I have grown to detach from people with time to the point of having less than a hundred contacts on my phonebook & yet I feel it's too much. My girlfriends have always questioned me why I gave up on love & to this day I have no answer for them. We have always gone out with them only to realise it was just to help me find a guy to date. You see, I am no bosslady, I am way off that lane. Everytime I find a guy I like or I vibe with I end up acting weird so I never get attached & neither do they, weird? Life has taught me to be myself the way I want it. You think I'm weird? In my girlfriend's squad I have two ladies I find more weird than me. Q & X are thick girls. Q has this thing for men asses, I mean she gets turned on by a man's ass. She will literally stop in the middle of the road just to check out a man's ass just cause he is wearing a skinny pair of jeans. X has a boyfriend. She keeps on telling us she would like to hear the kind of ladies her man crushes on. Q maybe a bit weird, but I think X is over her head. Why the hell do you want to hear about your man's crush? are those not red flags?
I have found so many reasons I should remain single for my entire lifetime. I am a nasty girl, really nasty, & I am not willing to change my behaviour just cause you are spiritual. I am not ready to pretend to any guy how well behaved I am. I am so done with that. I am nasty by nature & I adore it, probably why I think i'm gonna end up a slutty CEO in a big company. So dont expect me to slow down just cause you went to church on Sunday. My girlfriends have accused me of being too much of this before, by now I dont think there is any warning they haven't given me.
I dont hate love, I'm just not into it anymore. I see it in people alot. For example there this guy, co worker who I respect so much. John (not his real name, or is it?) has a girl who he loves him so much & I could tell the girl does too. What I adore much about them is the fact that John is a KYM at my work place & he is not afraid to let his girl know of it. Actually sometimes his girl comes over to check up on him. For the large audience who dont know what KYM is, it's more of a handy man. KYM (kanda ya moko) is the guy who gets used like a donkey. He gets to carry heavy staff from one place to another, gets to receive all sorts of names from the boss & he cant defend himself for the security of his job. He gets to buy things the boss needs & delivers packages from one stop to another. His work clothes are never clean & he gets paid on daily or weekly basis, that's John. His girlfriend who studies in the local varsity understands this & she judges nothing of his doing. "Janta ni janta doh ina matter" a genge tone lyric. John & his girl are the best couple to bring hope of love to me, yet not even a spark.
Then there is George, a friend I have known for years. When we were younger, me & George had different ideas of life. George wanted to work for an organisation that sucked up his social life to zero. A job that loaded him up even on weekends, he wanted no social life. On the other hand I wanted a job that gave me life, where I could travel every now & then. Gabriel, Micah or one of the angels in heaven switched up our prayers before handing over to God. We both received the other person's prayers. George got a job that allows him to work even at home & Fridays he doesn't go to the office. My case, I work in a place that sitting down is an offence. House wives are the worst bosses ever. George became a poet. The hopeless romantic kind of poetic guy, but what I adore about George, is his idea of life. To his audience, he is romantic but to me he is just a poet. George is good with words but he is not his words. George wants a private life from the dramas of the world. I want that too. Well, call me a quirkyalone, but love is something that probably will never hit me again. The pain that it has made me go through with men is something that I dont want anymore. I wont claim myself to be a feminist or say men are trash, cause they have their fair part of good deeds unlike trash. John & George are a good example of that, but still...
I am a woman, & I know I have needs. My coochie needs a guest once in a while & for that I am willing to have fuckboy or a ben10 on my phonebook. No strings attached, call it prostitution to hell I careless. But if love gets to to comeback to me, dear future husband get to know this. I am a slutty horny bitch 24/7. We will do it anywhere anytime. If you will be a church guy, sorry unto you for you have a big task infront of you cause pretence is one thing I wont do. If you get to suck me into your life good for you, if I suck you into mine, good for me, if we suck each other, the better. Where are my earphones? I need to listen to "Dear God" by Dax, my new fav song. Love is just wicked. So if God you are trying to send me a sign with this weather, songs & the couple sitted next to me, I am sorry, I am blind tonight...




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