I Want to Commit Suicide

“I want to commit suicide. I just want to die and leave this life of mine. I’m done with life’s problems and its troubles. I’m tired of being the one to take blames for others. I’m tired of always being the last one in most things. Always being viewed as the failure among my peers. My parents always seeing me as a mistake they brought to this life. Always turning out to be the odd one out in large crowds and family gatherings.” These were the words from Jane’s mouth. She seemed so worried. Like a person who was saying her last words. With a down face she stared at us.

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Jane had called me earlier during the day and she wanted us to meet. She sounded a little bit off. Like something was bothering her. It was really unusual for her to sound this way, considering I knew her as one of the jovial ladies I ever met. So we agreed where to meet that evening. She invited both me and John along but never told us what she wanted with us. So out of curiousity, I availed myself for her.

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Me; So what do you want to kill yourself with?

John; Dude, what is wrong with you?

Me; What have I done?

John; How dare you ask such a question?

Me; Wait a minute, Jane, you are serious about this suicide issue?

The look Jane gave me clarified everything. She wasn’t joking. She really meant what she said. In my defence, I thought she was joking. Come to think about it, whether joking or serious, we were all thinking about it. The only difference was that I’m the only one who was asking it. This got me worried. I took the fork and knife that was next to her just incase she did it in the next minute. Jane was the kind of lady who was always happy. So this coming from her was a little bit shocking. 

She complained of how life was getting hard for her. Nothing came into terms with her. From office, friends, home and her parents too. There was so much pain in her voice. You could tell she was almost giving up on everything. Last week there was a retrenchment in her former work place and she was one of those few who were affected. She got retrenched just after four months in the company. Her friends had started separating themselves from her since she never worked in those high class offices. Her only child was suffering from an illness for sometime now. The hospital bills were getting too much for her to pay as days passed by. Her baby daddy left her as soon as he heard she was pregnant. He wanted her to abort the kid but Jane was not for the idea. Her parents never wanted anything to do with her ever since she got the baby. Her little salary was all that ever survived her.

She couldn’t even remember when she last bought herself a new cloth. Tears dripped down her cheeks as she talked to us. I couldn’t bare watching her cry anymore. It never crossed my mind that one of my friends would ever come to this point in her life.

Me; I’m not the giver of life, but I know even if it’s yours, it doesn’t mean you can take it anytime you feel like.

Jane (sobbing); Then tell me what else can I do. I’ve tried doing groceries but all I do is earn losses. I’ve tried even selling second hand clothes but the income I get does not even cater for my own small needs leave alone my child. Even beggars on the streets get almost ten times of what I earn. Right now being a prostitute is much better than living the way I am living.

John had even forgotten of the order he made was getting cold. Jane’s eyes were really red now from all the tears she had cried. She was juggling between knife, gun and poison whichever stabbed, triggered or dripped into her mouth respectively first and end her misery. She had left her kid with her neighbour since she could not afford a baby day care. Me and John explained to her nothing in life is presented on a silver platter. How great things are never easy found. We convinced her suicide is never a solution. Killing herself would only bring more problems to her kid. I’m no death angel but she was really young for her to die. There was so much she had not accomplished in her life.

Me and john decided to cater for the bill to our meal and hers too. The idea of Jane committing suicide always caused a worry and shiver down my spine. That was a thought that I never wanted to cross my mind ever. Me and john decided to cater for her expenses until she got a stable job. We were willing to do anything for her knowing what she ever did for us was much more in the past. I decided to sleep over at Jane’s house that evening.

Me; I hope my toothbrush is still in your house, or maybe you threw it away?

Jane; It’s still there, but its discoloured. The brushes are now brown. Your teeth must be very dirty. Hehehe…

Seeing Jane smile was really nice. A laugh from Jane’s voice cleared some worries of me to her. There was an assurance of her changing her motive. She was going back to her normal way. A group hug from the three of us really put a smile on her face. There was no way we were giving up on Jane.

It wouldn’t hurt to share…